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The Exquisite Pain of Love

I did not believe in the cards, but they worked. I did not believe my body, but it sent me unmistakable signs. I could not believe my friends, I did not believe anyone.

 

Time is a strange thing. It cures, having been proved a thousand times, and yet it’s not calming. It changes my mind. Things about which I was a thousand percent sure a few months ago, I now think the opposite without anything special having happened. Only time has passed. I was in love, desiring, crazy for someone, who a few months later confirmed that he never can, nor will, be able to reciprocate my love.
At the moment of the break up he was the most amazing creature on earth for me. Too easily, seemingly almost without any emotion, he said that our relationship had ended. I never thought I could ever get rid of the pain I felt then. It became certain for me that this will accompany me till the end of my life and that I will never recover. No-one and nothing can replace him. Has anyone ever felt this way?
And though my soul was in ruins, from that day my body started to work differently.
I did not eat more, but the awaited the pounds began to remain on my bone-thin shape. My broken nails from that day began to re grow. My hair became stronger, and suddenly all my current abdominal cramps stopped as well. In the evenings, after three pages of reading the book fell out of my hands, I fell into a deep sleep and did not wake up until the morning. I did not need a single sleeping pill. I watched the change in astonishment, because I was still deeply sad, and I struggled on a daily basis with my demons who in my worst moments spoke intensely to me : ‘Call him, write to him, search for him, and change everything back to how it was!’ It has been said that all illness has psychological causes, but I have never experienced so obviously that certain decisions can have such effects.

The Exquisite Pain of Love

My friends, with whom I shared my life with from time to time, anxiously watched the struggle, sometimes dangerously happy and sometimes sickly lethargic in the presence of the man next to me, and then how I was without him. They encouraged me and surrounded me with their love, but I never believed them saying that is is going to be okay.
A witch friend of mine gave me several cards, intended to confirm that these feelings will disappear.The suffering will pass away, this hell will pass away, even the feeling which is still imprisoning me. The cards, which I did not believe, gave clear answers to me all the time. They were on my friends’ side. He's not my partner, he's not the one, I will not love him, it will not hurt.
I nodded, not wanting to disagree, but I knew in the depths of my soul that it cannot be right.This feeling will never go away.
Maybe I did not want it to go away, maybe I wanted to stick to the suffering, so every day I looked at the community portal to read his thoughts which stated we are friends to this day.
Four months have passed.
Time surreptitiously crawled into my brain and my soul and rearranged things. I cannot find anything concrete, there is no sentence, no picture, which would have broken the spell but I began to notice, from one day to another, that I did not like what he wrote. I did not melt away at the sight of his photograph. I did not care about his thoughts. He was not different, I am the one who sees him differently now.
I'm fine. There is no pain, neither in my body nor in my soul.

 
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